Knock, Knock

“One two one two one two one two one two one two.” is a statement I repeat to myself as I try to lose count of how many times I’ve knocked. When I think or someone says something unfavorable that I believe could tempt fate I must knock on something in order to cancel it out. I also have to lose count of how many times I’ve knocked, or the thought will come true. Obsession compulsive disorder is an overwhelming feeling of anxiety that hinders daily tasks and makes them extraordinarily difficult. At least, that’s what it is to me. This story isn’t about my daily struggles, but about someone who learned to love me for everything I believe to be annoying about myself.

I believe that true love is capable of seeing beyond the surface and understanding every aspect about a being. To be able to add your flaws to the reasons of why they love you. This personal definition of love was the very reason I believed that no one could possibly fall in love with me. Who could fall in love with a person that has to get up 20 times a night to check the doors, stove, straightener, coffee pot and closets? No one could fall in love with a person that has to count in a whisper to get rid of horrific images, clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, or take a shower multiple times a day. One look into my life and they would run away. It’s an annoyance to me and so I believed, it would be to everyone else who got close.

When I was a teenager I became extremely self-conscious about my habits. Due to family members telling me that I was crazy, I believed that anyone else who saw this side of me would think the same. I tried to hide it as much as I could, but somethings I couldn’t. I started dating a boy name Zachary and one day he noticed me knocking repeatedly under my desk. When he looked at me, he asked “Why are you doing that?” I immediately looked away from him and mumbled, “I don’t know.” After a couple occurrences as this one, I finally told him the reason behind my knocking. His response was, “You’re adorable.” This took me by surprise. I was prepared for the worst and he called a habit of mine, I thought to be unbearably annoying, adorable. It was in that moment that I realized that people who truly love you will love all of you and will try their hardest to understand things that they don’t at first. From that moment on I didn’t try to hide it as hard as before. I started to believe that those who are bothered by it shouldn’t matter, and those who do matter wouldn’t mind at all. It was huge relief for me. It felt like I could breathe again.

Now, ten years later, I’m married to the boy who called my knocking adorable. Whenever I start to knock he simply smiles at me and says, “It’s okay babe, everything is going to be okay. We’re going to be alright.” He buys me toothbrushes to clean the bathroom and runs my shower when I need to take one for fourth time that day. Even after 10 years he hasn’t gotten annoyed by my constant night wakes to check appliances and doors. Now, I believe that any one can find love no matter how many flaws they believe they have. I found a love that chose not only to understand my flaws, but love me for them. I believe everyone is capable of finding someone who thinks their knocks are adorable.